To Javi from Mom on Finalization Day

My dearest Javier,

I know there will be many days when you question how you ended up here.  I know you will struggle inside with questions about the circumstances of your birth and your birthparents.  I know that one day you will ask me and your dad if your birth parents really loved you. I know that one day in desperate anger, you will likely scream something at me like, "You're not even my real mother!"

I know this struggle will hurt you at times. I will want to hold you tight and rock you like a baby.  And I will for as long as you will let me.  But I know that as you grow, you will be tasked with finding your own peace inside.

I pray that in those moments of questioning and struggle that sometimes you will be able to look back at pictures from this very day. And I hope that in those pictures you can see the depth and breath of what it means to have all of us here: your family.

To each of us, we have gathered here without question - we have gathered here without forethought, because it is natural to us that you have always been ours.

All my love,

Mom

To Javi from Papi on Finalization Day

Dear Javi,

Yesterday was a pretty great day. Let me tell you all about it.

Your mom said she wanted to sleep in (and let you sleep, too) so I blew you a kiss in your crib and took the car to school. A couple of hours later I got a string of text messages from your mom saying that you guys were walking to school to get the car and go get coffee. I imagined that you were in your big stroller, but actually you were on your mom's back in a carrier. She is pretty fearless.

What was really cool for me was that you arrived in my classroom just in time to meet my kids coming back in from the playground. You were so interested in them. It looked like you wanted to eat them! (Considering you might be much older when you read this let me remind you - right now you like to put everything in your mouth, including your feet.)

My class wanted to know all about you, including whether you could talk yet (no) or if you cry much (only when you are hungry) and if you like to dance (very much!) I also got to tell them that this was a very special day in your life, the day that we would finalize your adoption. Some kids knew more about adoption than others. One told about how she celebrates a birthday and a "gotcha" day every year. I told her we would be doing that with you, too.


Later you came back to pick me up from school. Grumps and Sarah were there, and we all rode downtown to the courthouse. We met the lawyer who had done all the paperwork, and we were soon joined by Tangela, Grandma and Joanna, Kristi and Olivia and Madeline and Kristian, and last but not least Tita.


The judge was very kind. He smiled at us when we forgot to stand up, and he reminded us all that this was really a celebration. I think it was his favorite part of the day. Your mom and I got to say "yes" to a bunch of questions, and then the judge said "Congratulations! Who has a camera?"


There were at least three cameras in the courtroom. The bailiff got mad because he thought there shouldn't be any at all. I think you should know that your Grumps got his camera to the courtroom by following the procedures, which included surrendering it at a security desk and then having someone retrieve it. Mommy Kristi got her camera in by standing her ground against the security desk until they finally let her walk in with it. Grandma got hers in through... well, I'm not quite sure. But she was willing to face the bailiff's wrath to get footage of you on your special day. I think it may be useful to know how these people who love you get things done as you plan your future escapades. 


We all gathered for dinner at Kristi's house, and were joined by Brian, Tito, Wes and Christy and Ian, and Maria and Vincent and Sara. I think it was the first time you had seen so many people in your family together in the same place, and you were a little overwhelmed. But maybe it was just that you were teething. We all wrote you letters and put them in a basket to save them for when you are older, but I bet I know what they all say:


We love you so much. We are so happy you are in our lives, and that we are in yours. Happy finalization day.


With all my heart,


Papi

The Ten Day Wait

Once a mom signs over parental rights, she has ten days (in our state) to change their mind. I've been hesitant to write about this topic for the last ten days, but now that we're on the other side of the waiting period I'd like to give it a shot.

One small reason I haven't written about it is that I haven't wanted to put any energy into the thought that we might only get to be Javi's parents for a little while. But a part of me also felt it would be disrespectful to "Marsha" to have a sort of countdown during this time, since we have never gotten any indication that she would change her mind. In fact, though we've never met her or communicated directly, we've gotten the sense over and over that Marsha is an incredible mother. Here's a quick example.

After she'd picked us to adopt her child, she sent her parents to meet us. Over lunch her father told us that Marsha had decided on a very clear birth plan: she wanted to give birth, not hold the child, and leave the hospital as soon as possible. He made it clear that he was going to make sure that nurses and staff did not interfere in her decision, and that Marsha was doing what she needed to do in order to be OK with the choice she was making for adoption.

Soon afterwards we found out from the placement agency that we'd have to wait 48 hours after Javi's birth to get him from the hospital. We were disappointed to learn that we wouldn't get to hold him in the first 48 hours of his life, but we eventually settled down and realized that Javi would get plenty of holding and good care from the nurses and staff.

However, when Marsha found out that we wouldn't get to hold Javi for 48 hours, she was upset as well. She ended up changing her birth plan and staying at the hospital with Javi. She got time to hold him, to wish him all the best, and to say goodbye. She stayed with him until she knew we were on our way to the hospital, and she left moments before we arrived. Before leaving, she dressed him in an outfit with the words "Be happy" over his heart.

This is just one small example, but Julia and I have seen on several occasions how strong, committed, decisive, loving, and giving Marsha has been in this process. Now, at the end of the waiting period, the most appropriate response for me is not necessarily to celebrate the wonderful joy that has come into our lives, but to be thankful for the mother that has made that joy possible.

Thank you, Marsha. May you be happy, too.

Javi Meets His Great Grandmother

As many guests as he's been receiving at home, yesterday Javi hit the road for his first away game. We went to see his great grandmother. They were both so happy with each other, and started nuzzling together immediately. She even sang to him. It was wonderful. He hopes to meet his other great-grandmother very soon!

We have a name!

It was pretty clear from the beginning that he was a "Javi," but it took us a while to formalize. Here's where we landed. "Marsha" gave him two names at the hospital, and of the two we really wanted to keep the name Avery. We've decided to make Javier his middle name and keep Avery his first. Julia's name is actually Mary Julia, so calling him by his middle name will be in the style of his mother.

Avery Javier C.  
Or as we call him: Javi

P.S. - A quick Wikipedia search might lead one to think that José is an obsessive baseball fan, since both Steve Avery (pitcher) and Javier López (catcher) played for both the Braves and the Red Sox, José's two favorite teams from the two baseball cities where he grew up (and also his grandfather's two favorite teams,) but that's just a coincidence. Seriously. You can turn just about any two unrelated facts into grand conspiracy through the magic of internet research.

His First Video

What a Great Surprise

So it turns out that baby boy was born on April 1st, not the 2nd. We've been April Fooled! It also means that we got to take him home today instead of tomorrow.

Here's us meeting him at the hospital for the first time.

And new baby boy sleeping.

The Paper Chain

Julia kept a paper chain of the days until the due date, removing a loop each day and taking a picture. It was a visual reminder that she kept in her office of "days until baby." Here's the result. You can click on the pictures to enlarge:

And now it's Baby Time!

Baby Boy Is Here!

Baby boy is here!

It turns out they began inducing labor on the morning of the first, and that baby boy arrived on April 2nd in the wee hours of the morning. Seven pounds one ounce; twenty two and a half inches. If all goes well with paperwork tomorrow we could be going home with him on Sunday!

I get terrible cell reception in my classroom, so I stepped out on the playground to answer the call from the agency. Kristi saw me from her classroom window as I was getting the news. She took this picture of me standing on our iconic fire engine as I was being told: "You're a dad!"

So now with fingers crossed I breathe in and breathe out. Nothing else to do at the moment but wait and hope for the best in the next 48 hours.

May he be safe,
may he be healthy,
may he be happy,
may he live with ease.

Breathe in,
breathe out.

I hope he's getting lots and lots of cuddling and holding at the hospital. And hugs. Lots of hugs.

Due Date News

So we heard today that the due date is actually April 1st. Ha! That's 3 days from now.

We also found out that "Marsha" went to her doctor on Thursday last week and that she's not as dilated as the doctor was expecting. She's going back for a follow up this Tuesday morning. What we're hearing is that if she doesn't go into labor by Thursday they're going to schedule to induce labor on Friday. That means we could be doing paperwork on Saturday and going home with baby on Sunday! Yipee!!!

No News Is Good News

No news. But that's really good news, right? No news means that things are on track. No news means that there haven't been any changes. No news means that everything is proceeding as planned.

But seriously: no news is so aggravating!

Meeting the Grandparents

We recently met with the birthmother's parents for lunch, together with the head of the adoption agency. We went into this meeting not really knowing what was going to happen, and full of anxiety. While we left the meeting with some new facts (It's a BOY!!!) we also left with the feeling that the real purpose of the meeting was for the grandparents to see us in real life, probably for the first and last time. While we'd hoped for an open adoption, we're willing to do whatever "Marsha" wants. It appears that she wants to avoid direct communication with us, which is why we met her parents.

We gave the grandparents a gift of two photo albums, one for them and one for Marsha. The adoption agency will require us to send pictures to the agency at regular intervals, but whether or not the family wants to receive them is still uncertain.

From my side of the table, I was relieved and pleased to meet the grandparents. It's clear that they love and care for their daughter very much, and are protective of her in this situation. Her dad said something like "Choosing you guys 'on paper' is one thing, but it's nice to be able to look someone in the eye and shake their hand." I couldn't agree more.

Here are some things we learned:
We'll get a call from the adoption agency with Marsha goes into labor. She was early with her two current children, so it could be very soon.
We'll get another call when the baby is born with basic info like size/weight.
The baby will stay at the hospital for 48 hours before discharge.
The agency is requesting that we not come to the hospital before discharge. This is a precaution because this particular hospital (not where we'd thought before) isn't particularly friendly to adoptions, and the agency wants to minimize the risk that the staff might pressure Marsha to change her mind. We trust the agency's read on the situation.
After 72 hours, Marsha will be able to legally surrender her child.
She still has 10 days after surrender to change her mind.
Once the 10 days are over we are free and clear.

We still have one more meeting with our Home Study caseworker to complete. Hoping to blog about it early this coming week!

Hallelujah

My excitement grows. Each person I tell makes this more real. And slowly, I'm letting go of the fear. Not the fear about parenting - I expect that will be a lifetime of work. I mean the very specific fear about the possibility of loving a child for up to 10 days, and then having to give that child back. The realization is awakening in me that if I only get to be a dad for a little while, it's still something to be cherished. I'd been scared to share our news out of fear of disappointment, fear that it would be only temporary. It still might be. But I can't keep living with that fear.

So today I told lots of people. There's video proof below:

All I Know For Now

Julia called me with news today. "Marsha" has chosen us. We get to meet her parents next week! The baby is due about a month from now.

I hang up the phone a little bit in shock. I go back to my desk and try to keep ordering pencils and rubber bands and glue sticks from Staples, as if that's really the most important thing I can be doing right now. Oh, wait. Julia told me I need to call my mom. I grab my cell and walk back over to the corner of the classroom where I get a little reception. 

"Hola Mami, here's the news. It's all I know." I think, somehow, that I'm going to get away with just two or three sentences. Of course, it's not possible. I answer a flurry of questions, each time simply saying "I don't know." Finally, she asks me to put on my wizard hat and figure it all out.

I have no idea what this means.  Seriously. I can't even imagine the context for me having a wizard hat. But she tells me she loves me anyway and that she's so excited. 

I try to do some more work but I'm not really sure what I'm doing. I keep realizing that I don't know what to do next. I'm feeling pretty lost. I think I'm supposed to be excited, but I think I'm actually terrified. I keep going back to the conversation I had with a parent in my class this morning - he knew adoptive parents who'd had kids for 7 days and then the birth mother had changed her mind. We're looking at a 10 day period in our situation. Can I wait a month and then 10 more days to really celebrate? It's exhausting to think about.

I pick up Julia at work and she asks me how I'm doing. She asks if I've called my mom and I say yes. She asks if I've called my dad, and I say not yet. Then she asks if I've called my sisters. I say not yet. I'm realizing that she's going to make me call everyone, and that everyone is going to be excited, and I'm trying hard not to set myself up for anxiety and disappointment. But I guess that's the risk. Julia says "Honey, we're becoming parents. We're setting ourselves up for YEARS of anxiety." Ah yes. As the wise pediatrician said to the anxious new parent: "You've got to pace yourself."

So here's all I know. One month to new baby and parenthood. The clock is ticking!

Past, Present, and Future

Starting the blog four weeks into the adoption process means that there's so much story to tell, but I can't see waiting until it's all written down to finally get to where we are right now. So, here's a current update from Julia that went out by email. I promise to come back and tell more of the past at sometime in the future, but for right now here's the present.

Some background info: We've been waiting for a few days to hear if we're the family that birth mother "Marsha" chooses. We're hoping she likes us, and there's some urgency because the baby is due April 1st. "Mary" is our contact at the placement agency. Below is what Julia has written.


Just got off the phone with Mary.
breathing.
still no solid answer
However, i do have an update.
She talked to Marsha this afternoon and Marsha said that her parents are coming in town this weekend and she woudl like to go over our letter with her parents.  If her parents feel good about it, she would like her parents to contact us.
So, we don't have an answer, but I feel so grateful that her parents are helping her.  And i do hope they would like to meet us.


Mary says that she feels like Marsha will contact her back on Monday, though she doesn't want to promise this to me.  She did communicate that Marsha came to them initially with some urgency and she feels like that is still present.


So, still no news of if this is a definite 'GO!' or not.
But I suppose all will reveal itself in time.
And there is always more patience to learn.


Love you all so much.  I'm so glad we have such a close-knit group to take this ride with.

The Kick-Start Call

We started filling out paperwork for adoption on Valentine's Day 2009. Then life got in the way - things got busy, priorities shifted, uncertainties loomed. It was a call in January of 2010 that shook us back into the reality of becoming parents. Apparently my mother had been asking everyone she met on her travels: "Do you have a baby in need of adoption? My son and his wife are looking. They would be great parents." Someone finally took her up on the offer and called.

The details were a little sketchy, but it sounded like the baby was due in just a couple of months in Puerto Rico. We had no idea how to adopt from Puerto Rico. We couldn't really get very good answers about the process, either. One thing was clear, though. We had to get our Home Study done as quickly as possible. Julia found an agency that could expedite our home study, but it also sounded like there was going to be a significant wait time no matter who we went with because of the backlog in FBI background checks. Yes, we were going to have to get fingerprinted. More on that later...